1562 Best Humor Quotes

I am looking for a pussy. Not a cat. – Borat

She has a mustache. I like. Reminds me of my mother. – Borat

Please, you come to my home. I will cook you a cat. – Borat

My life is a failure. I am a loser. I have no money. I have no woman. My son is a gypsy. – Borat

We have a new national anthem. It is called Kazakhstan, Greatest Country in the World. – Borat

This is a suit. It was given to me by my grandfather on his deathbed. He was not dead yet. – Borat

We don't have a black cat, we have a black dog. And he's not ours, we're his. – Sally Owens

My blood? You want a sample of my blood? What are you, a vampire? – Gary Hallet

It's a family trait. We seem to have a lot of accidents. – Sally Owens

I am not a murderer. I am an irresponsible botanist. – Gillian Owens

The house is a wreck, but we are fine. – Sally Owens

I got your hostile! I got your hostile hanging! – Major Payne

I'm gonna give you three seconds; exactly three seconds to wipe that stupid looking grin off your face, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull-fork you. – Major Payne

I was just trying to break the tension. You know, with a little joke. – Major Payne

I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late '90s. – Major Payne

You call that a bed? A homeless guy wouldn't sleep in that! – Major Payne

You're so ugly, you could be a modern art masterpiece! – Major Payne

I'm like a bad rash, I don't go away. – Major Payne

You're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. – Major Payne

I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, you'll have to unzip your pants to talk. – Major Payne

You're the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles. – Major Payne

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You scream in agonizing pain, I laugh harder. – Major Payne

I'm gonna make you wish you were never born. And if you were already born, I'm gonna make you wish you were dead. – Major Payne

You look like a pig who's been screwing a light socket. – Major Payne

I'm about to get medieval on your behinds. – Major Payne

We're supposed to guard the sheep, not eat 'em. – Ennis Del Mar

You know you want this candy, so why don't you come and get it? – Marcus Copeland

You can do it, Kevin! You can do it! – Marcus Copeland

Terry, you need to stop being so cheap. – Marcus Copeland

This is not a weave, this is my hair! – Brittany Wilson

You take the moose, I'll take the raccoon. – Kevin Copeland

A ho? For wearing a skirt? That is so 1980. – Megan Vandergeld

You're not a has-been. You're a never-was. – Latrell Spencer

You're not even a has-been. You're a never-was. And if you were a has-been, that would mean you at least had some talent at one point, which you don't. – Latrell Spencer

You're like a big, black... Wilson sister! – Karen

I'm not playing basketball! I'm a woman! – Marcus Copeland

You're not gonna believe this, but the fuel pump is shot. – Mechanic

Do you have any idea what it's like to be a black man in America? – Kevin Copeland

My name is Shaquan. But you can call me Shaquana if you're nasty. – Marcus Copeland

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever done in my entire life. – Kevin Copeland

You're not a woman. You're a man. A man with breasts and a vagina. – Karen

I'm gonna pop the trunk, and you're gonna get in. – Agent Harper

We're going to the Hamptons. We're gonna be around a bunch of rich, white people. We gotta act like them. – Marcus Copeland

You see this? This is Armani. This is Versace. – Latrell Spencer

You have a little... right there. – Tara

I'm sorry, but I don't go for that. I'm a lady! – Marcus Copeland

We're federal agents! We're the good guys! – Kevin Copeland

She's a virgin... who can't drive. – Megan Vandergeld

You're not a cop, you're a security guard. – Denise Porter

This is the worst undercover assignment ever. – Kevin Copeland