1562 Best Humor Quotes

I'm not afraid of commitment. I'm afraid of the paperwork. – Hank Moody

As if! – Cher

Would you call me selfish? – No. Not to your face. – Josh

So, like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that, like, did not R.S.V.P. I was like, "Uh, crazy. The party is, like, tomorrow." So now I know! – Cher

You're a virgin who can't drive. – Cher

I'm not a prude. I'm just highly selective. – Dionne

The fact is, arguing with a boy is about as useful as trying to parallel park a blindfolded elephant. – Cher

I am not having a mental brain aneurysm, I'm just looking for my necklace. – Cher

Search me. I'm speechless. I have no words. – Murray

I'm outtie. – Travis

What's your problem? You have some kind of brain cloud? – Cher

I'm keeping it surreal. – Christian

I needed a day to shop for my own groceries. – Cher

I don't wanna be a traitor to my generation. – Travis

We are in a mall, and I'm a Valley Girl. These are my people. – Cher

It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get licked at a Phish concert, but it is quite another to be fried all day. – Mr. Hall

You have a lot of feelings, don't you? – Cher

That was a Baldwin. – Christian

I have to go. My plastic surgeon doesn't like me to be in the sun. – Amber

I'm a lead farmer, motherfucker! – Kirk Lazarus

I know who I am! I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude! – Kirk Lazarus

Never go full retard. – Kirk Lazarus

We don't negotiate with terrorists. – Les Grossman

I'm talking about scorched earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP! – Les Grossman

Find out who that was. – Les Grossman

I don't break character till I've done the DVD commentary. – Kirk Lazarus

You m-m-m-make me happy. – Simple Jack

I'm a rooster illusion. – Jeff Portnoy

We are supposed to be a unit! – Sgt. Lincoln Osiris

I'm the devil! And I'm here to do the devil's work. – Cody

I've got a little dick, it's pathetic! – Jeff Portnoy

What do you mean, "you people"? – Kirk Lazarus

What do you mean, "you people"? – Alpa Chino

I'm a wildcard! – Jeff Portnoy

You blew the welds on the intake manifold. You're lucky to have four good cylinders. – Four Leaf Tayback

We're going to be dropped into the shit. We're going to be surrounded by it. We are the shit. – Damien Cockburn

I will cradle the ball, and run to daylight. – Kirk Lazarus

Everybody knows you never go full retard. – Kirk Lazarus

I'm the dude playing the dude. – Kirk Lazarus

I'm the one who's the lead in the movie, and you're the one who's the other guy in the movie. – Tugg Speedman

Booty Sweat and Bust-A-Nut bars. It's the taste and the energy. – Alpa Chino

I don't read the script. The script reads me. – Kirk Lazarus

We don't do this, we don't get no coconut cream pie. – Alpa Chino

I'm the one who's the star, and you're the one who's the other guy. – Tugg Speedman

I'm a lover, not a fighter. – Jeff Portnoy

You're Australian. Be Australian. – Damien Cockburn

Just because you have an opinion doesn't mean anyone wants to hear it. – Blair Waldorf

I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you. – David Levinson

All right, you alien assholes! In the words of my generation: Up YOOOOOUURS! – Russell Casse

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I gotta get me one of these! – Captain Steven Hiller