1562 Best Humor Quotes

Now that's what I call a close encounter. – Captain Steven Hiller

We have got to get you your own plane. This borrowing my clothes, my car, my plane, it's got to stop. – Captain Steven Hiller

I'm not the one who's supposed to be saving the world, that's your job. I just make the toys. – Brackish Okun

I'm just a cable guy, I can't even get cable in my own apartment. – David Levinson

I picked a hell of a day to quit drinking. – Marty Gilbert

Oy with the poodles already! – Lorelai Gilmore

Coffee, coffee, coffee! – Lorelai Gilmore

I can't spell. I'm a reader, not a writer. – Lorelai Gilmore

You have nothing? I have nothing. How can we have nothing? We're Gilmores! – Lorelai Gilmore

This is not a democracy, this is a Luke's. – Luke Danes

Why don't we ever play poker? I have a great poker face. I'm a Gilmore. – Rory Gilmore

I'm ready to wallow now. – Lorelai Gilmore

Monkeys, forced to perform. It's a crime. – Michel Gerard

I'm attracted to pie. It doesn't mean I feel the need to date pie. – Lorelai Gilmore

We're here to celebrate the death of a party. – Paris Geller

I am an autumn. – Emily Gilmore

Buy me a boa and drive me to Reno because I am open for business! – Miss Patty

Everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you. – Mona Lisa Vito

Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook, you put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water... BAM! A fuckin' bullet rips off part of your head! – Vinny Gambini

The two yutes. – Vinny Gambini

I'm sorry, the two youths. – Vinny Gambini

Did you say yutes? – Judge Chamberlain Haller

What is a grit, anyway? – Vinny Gambini

No, the two defendants. – Vinny Gambini

My biological clock is ticking like this! – Mona Lisa Vito

You blend. – Vinny Gambini

Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than on any place on the face of the earth? – Vinny Gambini

Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, intelligent, well-thought-out objection. – Judge Chamberlain Haller

Uh... everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you. – Mona Lisa Vito

Dead-on-balls accurate? – Mona Lisa Vito

It's an industry term. – Mona Lisa Vito

Well, I'm just a fast cook, I guess. – Sam Tipton

You're gonna laugh, you're gonna cry, you're gonna kiss three bucks goodbye. – Vinny Gambini

You're molasses on a cold day! You're worse than that, you're a flat tire! – Coach Boone

A team, yeah. I hope you like popcorn, 'cause we're all on the same team now. – Sheryl Yoast

You're killing me, Petey! You're killing me! – Coach Boone

I'm Superman. I'm six foot five, I'm 237 pounds of solid muscle, and I'm faster than a speeding bullet. – Gerry Bertier

The Lord tells me he can get me out of this mess, but he's pretty sure you're screwed. – Stephen

Historically speaking, things have been a little turbulent since you got here. – Princess Isabelle

The Almighty says this must be a fashionable fight. It's drawn the finest people. – Stephen

Before we let you leave, your commander must cross that field, present himself before this army, put his head between his legs, and kiss his own arse. – William Wallace

You're killing me, Smalls! – Ham Porter

For-ev-er... For-ev-er... For-ev-er...

You play ball like a girl! – Ham Porter

He's a L-7 weenie!

I'm in a pickle! – Timmy Timmons

Some lady, Mary something-or-other, signed it. – Scotty Smalls

I've only been in this town for one day, and I'm already a dead man. – Scotty Smalls

You mix your wheaties with your mama's toe jam!

You're looking at what we call an easy out. – Ham Porter