1562 Best Humor Quotes

I am mad scientist. It's so coooool! Sonuvabitch. – Rintarou Okabe

A five-letter word for happiness: MONEY.

Always follow your heart, unless your heart is bad with directions.

I know words. I have the best words.

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?

A girl likes to be crossed a little in love now and then. It is something to think of.

Do you mind if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad.

The way I run my business seems to be easier than the way I run my life.

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact. - Elon Musk

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. – Chi Chi Rodriguez

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie. – George Deukmejian

Golf is the only sport where you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five.

Golf is the only game where you can spend four hours looking for a ball you didn't want to find.

Golf is a wonderful game: it takes a lifetime to learn, and just one shot to ruin.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. – Billy Graham

Golf is the only game where you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five. – Paul Harvey

My golf swing is like a tornado—no control, but a lot of noise and damage.

The best wood in my bag is the pencil.

I’m not slow on the golf course—I’m just giving the ball time to miss the trees.

My golf game is like a soap opera: full of drama, bad lies, and occasional miracles.

I don’t play golf to relax. I yell ‘FORE!’ to relax.

A baby is the perfect example of minority rule - they control everything without saying a word.

Stand up. There’s no need to stand up if you’ve fallen. Just lie there and take a nap. – Sakata Gintoki

You're not one of those guys who's gonna start talking about his wife and kids, are you? – Batou

It's called a hustle, sweetheart.

I am not a cute bunny. I am a scary, terrifying bunny! – Judy Hopps

You know, you're even cuter than I thought you'd be. – Nick Wilde

First, take a big step back... and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! – Les Grossman

We scare because we care. – Roz

I’m a running joke. Waking up at 4:30 AM to jog 11–23 miles is horrifying. - Ryan Reynolds

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Steven Wright

Fishing is the sport of drowning worms.

I spent a lot of money on fishing gear. The rest I just wasted.

Give a man a fish, and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish, and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend. - Zenna Schaffer

Fishing is like dating; it's all catch and release until you find a keeper.

Gone fishing, be back at sunset. Or maybe sunrise.

The best time to wear a striped sweater is all the time.

I’m ugly and I’m proud!

Is mayonnaise an instrument?

The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.

I can’t see my forehead!

Ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuoli.

I wumbo, you wumbo, he/she/we wumbo.

Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.

Stupidity isn’t a virus, but it sure is spreading like one.

You don’t need a license to drive a sandwich.

This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is… advanced darkness.

I was trying to tell you I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank it. Now I’m better.

Being grown up is boring. Besides, I don’t ‘get’ jazz.

It’s just a cruel reminder that I’m single and likely to remain that way forever.