1562 Best Humor Quotes

I might as well sleep for 100 years or so.

Gary, I’m absorbing his blows like I’m made of some sort of spongy material.

I’m so loyal, I don’t mind sleeping out in the cold, hard ground while Captain Krabs sleeps in his warm, dry tent.

Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are ya?

I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning… without any milk.

We shall never deny a guest even the most ridiculous request.

Did you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly.

Oh well, I guess I’m not wearing any pants today!

Two words: Na. Chos.

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

What are men to rocks and mountains?

For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbors, and laugh at them in our turn?

An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do.

Could there be finer symptoms? Is not general incivility the very essence of love?

I actually don't have a bad hairline.

I'm the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters.

I wouldn't mind a little bow. In Japan, they bow. I love it. Only thing I love about Japan.

A little more moderation would be good. Of course, my life hasn't exactly been one of moderation.

Every time you walk down the street people are screaming, 'You're fired!

People assume I'm a boiler ready to explode, but I actually have very low blood pressure.

I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over.

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans. Get it? Genes?

Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot! …That’s so dumb.

I walked into my sister’s room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap. Classic.

What’s the downside to eating a clock? It’s time-consuming. …Yeah, I’m full of these.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape? 'Breathe, you idiot!'

All training is negotiation—whether you're training dogs or spouses. - Ian Dunbar

I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact. - Elon Musk

The most entertaining outcome is the most likely. - Elon Musk

The only sure rule in golf is he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie. – Mickey Mantle

The older I get, the better I used to be. – Lee Trevino

Golf is a game where white balls are more attractive the dirtier they get.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

Golf is a game in which you yell ‘fore,’ shoot six, and write down five. – Paul Harvey

Golf is a good walk spoiled. – Mark Twain

Golf is the only sport where a player pays for every mistake. - Tommy Bolt

The best way to ruin a good walk is to take along a golf club.

The first time I played golf, I was so bad I had to cheat to keep from winning.

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course. - Billy Graham

Golf is the only game where you can lose your ball and your temper at the same time.

The golf swing is a series of unfortunate events barely held together by timing.

Golf is a sport where the ball always lies poorly, and the player always lies well.

Golf is the most fun you can have standing up.

Golf is the only game where you can be up all night and still be fresh in the morning.

The best golfers are those who can laugh at their own mistakes.

Golf is the only game where you can be in the rough and still have a good lie.

The golf swing is like a good joke - if you have to explain it, it's not working.

The best golfers are those who can turn bad shots into good stories.

Golf is a game where you can be rich in experience and poor in skill.

I’m not saying my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced. – Lee Trevino