1562 Best Humor Quotes

I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out. – Kelly Kapoor

I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me. – Dwight Schrute

And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. – Michael Scott

Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! – Dwight Schrute

I am Beyoncé, always. – Michael Scott

I'm an early bird and I'm a night owl. So I'm wise and I have worms. – Michael Scott

I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the '60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain, and it's possible a man slipped in. There would be no way of knowing. – Creed Bratton

Today, smoking is going to save lives. – Dwight Schrute

Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship. – Andy Bernard

I feel like all my kids grew up and then they married each other. It’s every parent’s dream. – Michael Scott

I am dead inside. – Kevin Malone

I don't hate it. I just don't like it at all and it's terrible. – Michael Scott

The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. – Michael Scott

I have cause. It is be-cause I hate him. – Dwight Schrute

You don't know me, you've just seen my penis. – Nellie Bertram

It's a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive. – Andy Bernard

Nice fuckin' model! – Beetlejuice

This is my art, and it is dangerous! – Delia Deetz

You read my mind. No you didn't, you read mine. – Adam Maitland

Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose! – Beetlejuice

I've seen The Exorcist about a hundred and sixty-seven times, and it keeps getting funnier every single time I see it. – Betelgeuse

If I don't see a change in the next month, I'm going to turn this car right around and we're going back to New York! – Charles Deetz

I'm feeling a little anxious. A little, I don't know, unappreciated. – Delia Deetz

We could stay here and rot. Or, we could stay here and rot. – Adam Maitland

Go ahead. Make my millennium. – Beetlejuice

So, what's the story? You guys die or something? – Beetlejuice

Obviously, you're not a golfer. – The Dude

I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or, uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing. – The Dude

Calmer than you are. – Walter Sobchak

Eight-year-olds, Dude. – Walter Sobchak

I'm perfectly calm, Dude. – Walter Sobchak

I'm sorry if your stepmother is a nympho. – The Dude

Phone's ringing, Dude. – Donny

New shit has come to light. – The Dude

Do you like apples? ... How do you like them apples? – Will Hunting

Get that corn out of my face! – Nacho

Did you not tell me that I was to be the gardener? Because I don't know anything about gardens. – Nacho

Chancho! When you are a man, you sometimes wear stretchy pants in your room. It's for fun. – Nacho

I was wondering if you would like to join me in my quarters this night... for some toast. – Nacho

Pobody's nerfect. – Steven

I'm not listening to you, you're crazy! – Nacho

These are the Lord's chips. – Nacho

I had a dream about a bee. He was wearing a little sombrero. – Chancho

We must take this garden... to the next level. – Nacho

You are like a big, sweaty, fat, bald man! – Ramses

It's the best! I don't know what's in it, but it's the best! – Nacho

We are going to wrestle... in the face. – Nacho

I hid some of the slower orphans in the fields. – Nacho

You have a beautiful face... like a bottom. – Ramses

I ate some bugs. I ate some grass. I used a leaf as a blanket. Now I know all the wild things. – Nacho