1562 Best Humor Quotes

Do you not realize I have had diarrhea since Easters? – Nacho

You have the poison. I have the poison. All of God's children have the poison. – Nacho

I am not listening to your crazy banana talk! – Nacho

You can have any brew you want, as long as it's a Corona. – Dominic Toretto

Cars don't fly! – Roman Pearce

We the police now. – Roman Pearce

We're not looking for a prison break. We're looking for a miracle. – Roman Pearce

I said I'm hungry! – Tej Parker

The price is wrong, bitch! – Happy Gilmore

You're gonna die, clown! – Happy Gilmore

You eat pieces of shit for breakfast? – Happy Gilmore

Just tap it in. Give it a little tappy. Tap-tap-taperoo. – Chubbs

Hell, I'd have a better chance of playing the piano with my pecker than I do of winning this thing. – Happy Gilmore

The clown has no penis. – Happy Gilmore

Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! – Happy Gilmore

My fingers hurt. – Mr. Larson

Well, now you've had enough, old man! – Happy Gilmore

He's a jolly good felon. A jolly good felon. – Announcer

Damn you people. Go back to your shanties. – Heckler

I'm stupid, you're smart; I was wrong, you were right; You're the best, I'm the worst; You're very good-looking, I'm not attractive. – Happy Gilmore

I'm gonna get you a coat, with stripes going up and down. You'll look like a giant Q-Tip. – Happy Gilmore

I'm trying to eat lunch! – Virginia Venit

You're not gonna get me to no secondary location! – Grandma Gilmore

I'm just happy to be here. Hope I can help the ball club. – Bob Barker

I shoulda been the one to fill your dark soul with LIIIIGHT! – Chubbs

You here to finish me off, Sweetheart? – Haymitch Abernathy

How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? – Dorothy Gale

I don't know, but some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they? – The Scarecrow

The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side. – The Scarecrow

Oh, that's a horse of a different color! – The Gatekeeper

Oh, I'm not afraid of her! I'd knock her block off! – The Cowardly Lion

Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. – Peter Clemenza

I don't trust a doctor who can't speak English. – Don Corleone

The Godfather has a sense of humor. – Tom Hagen

You sold me queer giraffes! – Proximo

Dang! – Joe Dirt

Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back? – Clem

I'm new, I'm new, I don't know what to do! – Joe Dirt

You're gonna stand there, ownin' a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser? – Joe Dirt

I'm your sister! I'm your sister! – Joe Dirt

Don't try to church it up, son. Don't you mean you the puke? – Clem

Yeah, I see what you're gettin' at. He's got his own language. – Joe Dirt

So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, no Roman Candles, or screaming meemies? – Joe Dirt

That's a space peanut. – Joe Dirt

No, that's not a meteor. That's a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy. – Joe Dirt

You like to see homos naked? – Joe Dirt

I was feelin' kinda cute. Might delete later. – Joe Dirt

The thing is, Buffalo Bob never really did it for me. – Joe Dirt

I got the poo on me! – Joe Dirt

You know, France is bacon. – Joe Dirt