1562 Best Humor Quotes

That’s not a yoga pose, that’s a seizure. – Kurt McKenzie

I didn’t pee in the pool. It was… someone else. – Marcus Higgins

Laters, baby. – Christian Grey

I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank you. – Christian Grey

You are really good. I mean, you're like, a hundred thousand times better than, like, any apple I've ever had. I'm not Superman, I'm Supertramp, and you're Superapple. You're so tasty, you're so organic, so natural. You are the apple of my eye, ha! – Christopher McCandless

I may be a senior citizen, but I still have some tricks up my sleeve. – Carl Fredricksen

I see you’ve got some fancy balloons there. – Russell

I’m not afraid to be a little crazy if it means having fun. – Dug

Oof! – Joe Gardner

Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Help! I’m not done. Oh my goodness. – Joe Gardner

I’m not going to let you die today, man. – 22

I’m not going to let you die today, man. – 22

I’m not going to let you die today, man. – 22

I’m not going to let you die today, man. – 22

It is with a heavy heart that I assume the crown. – Cogsworth

Life is so unnerving for a servant who's not serving. – Lumiere

You are so ahead of your time, this is a very strange and unusual situation. – Cogsworth

If you hold still, it won't hurt as much. – LeFou

I'm especially good at expectorating! – Gaston

Chip! What are you doing out of the cupboard? – Mrs. Potts

I'm not a child anymore, Mum! – Chip

You lock it up. – Jeremy Grey

We're like second graders, we pass notes. – John Beckwith

You motorboatin' son of a bitch! You old sailor, you! – Gloria Cleary

The bouquet is the nuclear weapon of a wedding. – Jeremy Grey

I'm gonna go find a nice, quiet corner to have a nervous breakdown in. – John Beckwith

Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bull's-eye. – Jeremy Grey

You're like a bear, you know that? You're like a bear wearing people clothes. – Sack Lodge

I'm not a gynecologist, but I'll take a look. – Jeremy Grey

I'm just trying to get through the weekend without getting punched in the face. – John Beckwith

Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! – Jeremy Grey

I'm not a therapist, I'm a mediator. There's a big difference. – John Beckwith

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! – Jeremy Grey

I'm like a ninja, silent but deadly. – Jeremy Grey

This is a nightmare. This is a goddamn nightmare. – John Beckwith

You shut your mouth when you're talking to me! – Grandma Mary Cleary

We're not worthy! We're not worthy! – Jeremy Grey

I thought I was goin' back to Vietnam, but instead, they decided the best way to fight the war was to have a ping-pong tournament. – Forrest Gump

I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner. – Dr. Hannibal Lecter

Oh, Clarice, your problem is you need to get more fun out of life. – Hannibal Lecter

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. – The Narrator

I'm not joking. The cat certainly has nine lives. You, however, do not. – John Keating (to a student named "Purcell")

I am shocked, shocked to find that gambling is going on in here! – Captain Renault

Your winnings, sir. – Croupier

I strenuously object? Is that how it's done? Hm? Objection, Your Honor! Too strenuous? – Lieutenant Daniel Kaffee

Why so serious? – The Joker

Leave the gun. Take the cannoli. – Peter Clemenza

Yeah, science! – Jesse Pinkman

This is my own private domicile and I will not be harassed… bitch! – Jesse Pinkman

What, was it barkin'? – Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri