100 Best Jack Handey Quotes

If you ever get caught stealing, just say you were taking a survey on shoplifting. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Crime Excuses Quick Thinking
I think the best way to teach kids about money is to charge them rent." - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Finance Tough Love
If you're ever trapped in a room with no doors or windows, don't worry - you're probably just in a bad dream. Or a metaphor. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Existentialism Escape Philosophy
The best way to make friends is to stand really close to someone and whisper 'I know what you did.' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Social Skills Intimidation Humor
If you ever get lost in the desert, just follow your shadow. Unless it's nighttime, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
I think the worst time to realize you're claustrophobic is when you're being buried alive. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get attacked by a shark, try to punch it in the nose. If that doesn't work, try to reason with it. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
The best way to get your kids to eat their vegetables is to tell them they're what superheroes eat. Then when they find out you lied, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Deception Life Lessons
If you ever get caught in a lie, just say you were testing the other person's gullibility. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deception Quick Thinking Psychology
I think the worst time to develop a fear of water is when you're scuba diving. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get lost in a cave, just follow the bats. Unless they're flying toward you, in which case you should probably run the other way. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Animal Behavior
The best way to keep your teeth clean is to not eat. Or smile. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Dental Hygiene Extreme Solutions Humor
If you ever get attacked by a swarm of bees, try to remain calm. Also try to remember if you're allergic to bees, or just to getting stung by them. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Allergies Absurdity
I think the worst time to realize you're afraid of the dark is when you're spelunking. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get lost at sea, just follow the stars. Unless it's daytime, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
The best way to get your kids to do their homework is to tell them it's not due until tomorrow. Then when they find out you lied, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Deception Life Lessons
If you ever get caught cheating, just say you were testing the other person's forgiveness. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deception Quick Thinking Relationships
I think the worst time to develop a fear of heights is when you're tightrope walking. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get attacked by a lion, try to play dead. If that doesn't work, try to play a different animal, like a gazelle or something. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Improvisation Absurdity
The best way to keep your car clean is to not drive it. Or look at it. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Car Maintenance Extreme Solutions Humor
If you ever get lost in a blizzard, just follow your footprints. Unless they've been covered by snow, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
I think the worst time to realize you're afraid of snakes is when you're a snake handler. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get attacked by a pack of wolves, try to reason with the alpha male. If that doesn't work, try to reason with the alpha female. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Behavior Absurdity
The best way to get your kids to clean their room is to tell them you hid a pony in it. Then when they don't find one, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Motivation Life Lessons
If you ever get caught stealing candy from a baby, just say you were teaching it about sharing. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Crime Excuses Quick Thinking
I think the worst time to develop a fear of fire is when you're a firefighter. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get lost in a forest, just follow the sound of running water. Unless it's a waterfall, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
The best way to keep your hair clean is to shave it all off. Or wear a hat. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Grooming Extreme Solutions Humor
If you ever get attacked by a bear, try to climb a tree. Unless it's a grizzly bear, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Defeatism
I think the worst time to realize you're afraid of public speaking is when you're giving a eulogy. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get lost in a maze, just keep turning right. Unless it's one of those mazes where that doesn't work, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
The best way to get your kids to eat their vegetables is to tell them they're what astronauts eat. Then when they find out you lied, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Deception Life Lessons
If you ever get caught lying, just say you were practicing for a career in politics. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deception Quick Thinking Careers
I think the worst time to develop a fear of flying is when you're a pilot. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get attacked by a crocodile, try to poke it in the eyes. If that doesn't work, try to poke yourself in the eyes so you don't have to see what happens next. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
The best way to keep your clothes clean is to not wear any. Or move. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Laundry Extreme Solutions Humor
If you ever get lost in a desert, just follow the mirage. Unless it's leading you toward more desert, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
I think the worst time to realize you're afraid of commitment is when you're at the altar. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get attacked by a hippopotamus, try to reason with it. If that doesn't work, try to reason with yourself about why you're in this situation. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
The best way to get your kids to do their chores is to tell them you hid a treasure in the laundry. Then when they don't find any, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Motivation Life Lessons
If you ever get caught cheating at cards, just say you were testing the other players' observation skills. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deception Quick Thinking Games
I think the worst time to develop a fear of doctors is when you're in medical school. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get lost in a swamp, just follow the alligators. Unless they're following you, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
The best way to keep your hands clean is to not touch anything. Or wear gloves. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Hygiene Extreme Solutions Humor
If you ever get attacked by a gorilla, try to make yourself look bigger. If that doesn't work, try to make yourself look smaller and less threatening. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
I think the worst time to realize you're afraid of marriage is when you're saying 'I do.' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get lost in a jungle, just follow the monkeys. Unless they're running away from something, in which case you should probably run too. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Animal Behavior
The best way to get your kids to eat their vegetables is to tell them they're what rock stars eat. Then when they find out you lied, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Deception Life Lessons
If you ever get caught eavesdropping, just say you were practicing your listening skills. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Deception Quick Thinking Social Skills
I think the worst time to develop a fear of death is when you're dying. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
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