29 Best Dark Humor Quotes

I order the food. You cook the food. The customer gets the food. We do that for 40 years, and then we die.

Goodbye everyone, I’ll remember you all in therapy.

You need six hundred to pass, you got six.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow. …Too soon?

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey

Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.

If I were to die right now in a fiery explosion due to the carelessness of a friend… then it would just be alright.

F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium… bombs! N is for no survivors!

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow... Too soon?

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' - Jack Handey

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. - Jack Handey

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus. - Jack Handey

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer antlers. - Jack Handey

If you ever get cornered by a pack of clowns, remember: go for the juggler. - Jack Handey

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires. - Jack Handey

Sunday scaries: because even adults need monsters under the bed.

Sunday nights: when you realize you've been betrayed by time again.

Weekends are temporary, but regret is forever.

Sunday scaries: the adult version of monsters under the bed.

Sunday scaries: because adulthood is just glorified homework.

Sunday scaries: because adulting is just glorified homework.

Sunday scaries: because adulthood is just school without recess.

Sunday scaries: because adulting is just pretend.

Sunday scaries: because adulthood is just childhood with more bills.

People will say we're in love. – Hannibal Lecter

The only way to get rid of a man like that is to kill him. – Aunt Frances

You know what I do when I see a student who's not living up to his potential? I throw a cymbal at his head. – Terence Fletcher

Television has brought back murder into the home—where it belongs. – Alfred Hitchcock

Revenge is sweet and not fattening. – Alfred Hitchcock